N-Fast Forward-L

We live busy lives in an even busier world. Always trying to multitask, always looking to stay up to date. It's a wonder anyone can sit their butts down for nearly 4 hours on a Sunday to watch a football game! Why do that when you can DVR it and have the power of fast forward? (Local restrictions apply, only when your team's game is on in your local television market.)
When you think about it, these days officals aren't even watching games live, they are constantly trotting over to what looks like a ballot box, shrouded in the hood of secrecy. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. You can't see what he's watching, it's top secret... oh wait, I'm watching what he's watching right now on my TV!
The replay assistants watch the game on TV inside the 2:00 minute warning (both before half time and before the end of the game. How do you spell overkill? ) Refs watch the game on TV if the coaches throw the flag out of their sock. (That always amused me to high heaven, why their sock? If woman were NFL coaches they'd stuff it in their bra. Ratings booster HELLO?!?! Although some coaches probably have enough man boob to stuff the challenge flag in their bra, but do they have to put it in their sock? Is that a rule or something??) My favorite things refs can watch on tv and by saying favorite here I mean loathe, is time on the clock. That's right Father Time, we're saying we've got a one up on you.
It took only one hour and ten minutes of my life to watch last week's Patriots game. Afterall, half time is 15 minutes of X16 fast forward. There are appropriate speeds for different parts of the game. They are:
If you feel a commerical coming on go for X4. Because even when you get back to the game, it's not the game, you get a buffer shot like an extreme close up of a player's face, or you see the play that just happened. (In case the commericals are also memory erasers.)
After a play is whistled dead, there are some caveats to this one...
     If it's a crazy play and it doesn't look good for your team ie, the other team intercepted it and you don't think it's coming back go for X4. Chances are the network will play at least 6 replays we'll call 'angles of anguish' wherein you'll see the same devastating play 6 times. Each time, you'll get your hopes up that it will be like that Gwyneth Paltrow movie 'Sliding Doors.' 'Oh please oh please tell me the receiver blinked his eyes differently this time and that means this 5th time he catches it and it's not an interception!' But that's never how it works, as it's the same play over and over again, rubbing salt in the wound. X4 through that bad boy or you'll become suicidal.
     If it's a crazy play by your team and it looks like you're the ones doing the intercepting, watch 3 'views of victory,' pat yourself on the back, grunt and say that you've always liked him (even though it's a lie because he missed a big block on the other team's last possession and that lead to a touch down and two point conversion and now you're down by 1, so intercepting is the least he could do, the ingnorant idiot.) Then move on, you don't want to jinx yourself by celebrating too much.
     If it's a run of the mill 5 yard gain play that's whistled dead only do X1. They should set up quickly and get on with it. Plus watch for the quarterback to move his leg like an agitated horse getting ready to take off. Once you see that move, hit play. Technology these days even gives you like 1 second grace so you see the whole snap.

     If it's an extra point, you can start with X2. You shouldn't watch extra points because if your kicker doesn't make it, then he should be sent hurtling towards the other team at the kickoff. Period.
     If it's a kickoff, you're allowed to assume the ball gets into the endzone, the receiver takes a knee and it comes out to the 20. X1. (see last week's blog)  

Now there are some cons to watching a game this way. It is very easy to jump into X1 after what seems like a run of the mill play and miss that the ball actually popped out before the player was down. This causes a 'what the...???' reaction, but that's what the rewind button for, and hey you have a forewarning. If the ball was taken away from your team, why not take a sip of that Bud before you rewind, take some of the edge off?
In the same vein, it is very easy to miss penalties and lose track of how many yards you're set back and how many you have to go. Again a 'what the... how's it 3rd and 25?!?!?!' But the yellow lines are there to guide you, moving forward is all that really matters. Better not to focus on the negative and not get angry, right Tom Brady?
And now, men, these cons are nothing compared to the pros you'll get from your ladies when - with the 3 hours of life you've gained, you do chores around the house, right? Cause that's what we do when we have free time right???!?!?!?!

Only thing I ask is for networks to realize the benefits of fast forwarding through games and place the score, downs, yards to go, playclock, timeout counters, quarter indicator and flag icon (you know a beginner football watcher's LIFELINE) at the top of the screen away from the mandatory <<      > II       >> (rewind, play, pause, fast forward icons in case you think my font switched to wingdings.) at the bottom of the screen. 

Have a good time watching tape and benching fantasy players!
Stacey

Where's the Special in Special Teams?

Week 1

So it's time for footballl... what to wear, what to wear... Yes, I'm a girl - but 'dressing' for this season will be hard. You see every Patriots player's jersey I own has left the team. And not the alleged serial killer's jersey either, at least I could have traded that one in for another player's. I propose a trade in program for any player that goes to another team, leaves you miles high and dry - especially those who committ treason and go running to an evil master who is balding... (I'm really bitter about a certain short player going to said evil master quarterback who is balding. I'm not going to name names, I'm just going to talk to him like a crazed ex girlfriend addressing him after we've been broken up for 10+ years... Ahem, I even had a purse made with your jersey, what am I supposed to do with that now, huh?! ......... Yeah, I know I couldn't have brought it to games this year because of new stadium rules, huh......... you know what? Shut up!)

Where's the special in special teams?

Anywho. I'd like to tell you about my favorite moment when watching and/or attending games. I've been very fortunate to get tickets to games often. The seats are never primo, I'm up there in the nosebleeds with the everyman - but you know what's magical from up there? Kickoff returns where he BREAKS the tackle... benefits from a great BLOCK, finds the HOLE and goes ALL THE WAY BACK FOR THE TOUCHDOWN! When you're that high up, you see the hole open before special teams even does. You can see the future. The whole stadium's on it's feet... It's electric (boogy woogy woogy.) But lately kickoffs are BORING!
I'm all about safety, and I realize they changed the rules so the kicker is kicking for th 35 and that's resulted in a lot less injuries for returners, but I maintain, it's boring for me! And it's all about me, the fan, isn't it?

 

I'm a really lucky, recently engaged gal... I'm supposed to oou and ah when a guy gets down on a knee. Now, I yawn and say let's get this inevitable commercial break over with.                               

Let me get all statisticIE on ya... usually I don't like numbers and I thought looking this stat up on ESPN was going to be daunting, but it wasn't, you know why? Because I have enough appendages to count returns for touchdowns on. That's right, last year, there were only 13 kickoffs returned for a touchdown. 13! (fingers an toes) That's it! I only had 13 chances to watch my favorite event happen. (And the Patriots had none, which means my only opportunity to see one was if the other team made one, and then it's not fun anymore. I don't want to see that.) 

OK, ok, last year there were 18 punt returns for touchdowns. Which are basically just as exciting dunno why we have to get all technical and call something that's basically the same thing two different names, but whatever. So add them up 31. I don't have enough appendages for that so it's kinda hairy, but the Patriots still didn't get one. Actually if you look at the spread the most any one team got was 2 and that leaves the 'have's' (10 teams got a kickoff return for a touchdown) and 'have nots' (22 teams did not get a kickoff return for a touchdown) with a big disparity! I grew up getting dance medals at competitions that were Gold, Platinum and Diamond! 

Let's spread the weath shall we? That adds another element of strategy to a game based on guys in helmets, pads and really nice tight pants running into each other. You never know what's going to happen if you try to keep your eye on the ball then deal with that man running full force at you. Sure, you'll proably get injured - but that's part of strategy too. Or you could make a whole host of mistakes and get a penalty. Even 5 yards could haunt you all week as the reason you lost the game. Or you could committ a moral sin and fumble it and my team could get the ball back with really good field position, what's wrong with that? Football is the only sport I'll watch religiously because it doesn't have to be your turn on offense to make a play or even score! In baseball an outfielder can't catch a fly then run over homeplate and score - he has to wait his turn. 

 

Can't we find another idea to make returning kickoffs fun and safe and exciting? Please let me know, I'd like to learn more about football as I write about it.

Have a good time watching tape and benching fantasy players!

Stacey